The Black Snow Comics Super Fun Time Variety Hour!

This is your Cheesy Announcer telling you to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cuz they’re rapin everybody out here!  Get me some bath salts because I’m feeling peckish.  Welcome to The Black Snow Comics Super Fun Time Variety Hour!!!

 Cheesy Announcer:  Tonight’s special guests include drunken Irishman Mark Egan, the land of the rising sun – the country of Japan, the greatest hero ever – the Lone Wolf, the comic industry’s savior – Stan Lee, two mystery guests, musical guest Richard Cheese!  And now welcome your party host with the most and his lovely assistant, MICHAEL AND ALEXXX!!!!

  Michael:  That hideous warbling known as hip hop by the Snowgoons is over, why they chose to do our theme I’ll never know, and that can mean only one thing…It’s time for the show of shows.

And here to play us in is our wonderful house band, NOFX.

  Michael: NOFX, more like no talent.  That was just awful. How are you doing tonight, my always talkative and amiable sidekick Alex?

  Michael: Glad to hear it. If you are like Alex and I, you have a problem with people always thinking you’re a gay couple and shouting things at you. It’s very common, from what I understand. Well, there’s a great new product out there that is made to help with just this issue. Here, take a look.

  Michael: Alex and I will have to pick up a pair of those. Of course Alex will take tiny. Speaking of, hey Alex, how do you know if your roommate is gay?

  Michael: Alex, watch the language! This is a family show. The answer is, of course, if his dick taste like shit. Now play me to the desk, monkeys.

  Michael: And now let’s welcome our first guest, Mr. Back Office himself, Mark Egan.

 Michael: The audience loves you Mark! So, it’s been over a decade since the last page of I’m Famous! in Japan, and we all know you’ve been hard at work on the next one. When can we expect to see that completed?

 Michael: We’ll certainly be looking forward to that. Keep holding your breath folks! The high from oxygen deprivation is simply enchanting. Do it long enough and you’ll earn a sweet blue handicap placard for whatever poor sap gets stuck with driving you around.  At least they’ll get good parking.

But really, can’t wait to see it, Mark.

I’ve been told you have something you’d like to say to the millions of viewers watching around the world?

 Michael: Alex, you look like you want to respond to that.

 Michael: Oh you two do have fun! You’ll just have to agree to disagree, or some other cliche. Anyway…nice seeing you Mark. Now leave. Go back to Oslo and finish the goddamn comic!

 Michael: The always awkward Mark “Rawr” Egan, ladies and gentlemen. Now, let’s hear something from the abhorrent Richard Cheese!

 Michael: That one always makes me cry.

I understand our next guest is the entire country of Japan. Oops, looks like I should have had Mark stay a bit longer. Anyone here speak Japanese?! Alex, what grade did you get in high school? Cut to commercial.

 Michael: My parents do help me “hook it up.” Welcome back everyone. So we’ve got a bit of a language barrier here, and Alex’s F in Japanese isn’t going to help any, but I think the universal language of music, or love, or maybe it was math, will see us through this. So help me welcome our crazy neighbors to the far east, Japan!

 Michael: Now Japan, I know you’re a big fan of our next guest, and you’ve been enjoying the previously discussed work of Mark Egan. You can’t get enough of that manga crap, eh? You and your big round eyes. Overcompensating. I do like the tentacle rape though. No one can fault you for that. I’d like to know what exactly it is that you love about the Lone Wolf?

 Michael: Uh, wow. I don’t know what the hell any of that was about. You guys are such freaks. In a good way, that is. Let your freak flag fly you crazy bastards.

 Michael: Holy shit! I mean…I mean, Jesus! What is wrong with you people. I’m trying to be nice here! Just tone it down a little.

 Michael: Japan! That is enough! Perhaps our next guest will help control you. Please watch this intro from a better show that puts things to words in a way I never could.

Lone Wolf Intro

 IT IS I, THE LONE WOLF!

The Lone Wolf

 Lone Wolf: Good day all you filthy people of the dirt! It is your pleasure to have me, naturally. Judging by that most foul odor I’d wager many of you made the trip out from Detroit tonight. A virtual see of chocolate out there.

 Michael: Uh…Mr. Wolf, let’s try to tone back the racism until after the show. Now Lone, I’ve known you a long time, may I call you Lone?

 Lone Wolf: Absolutely not! They call me Mr. Tibbs! Or Mellow Yellow if you prefer.

 Michael: I’ll just go with Mr. Wolf. Do you have anything to say to Japan, the country that has been host to all your latest antics?

 Lone Wolf: Oh my, what is that amazing toy you have made there?

 Lone Wolf: And I must visit this bath house!

 Michael: How did I think you were going to help the situation? Well, you’re here promoting your latest book, or movie or something. Is that right?

 Lone Wolf: I’ll leave the shilling of wares to the whores of the world, thank you very much. I need not promote mine-self, dearest boy, I’m Famous! Wolf Pack! I require a fresh bottle of water! This one has gone luke!

 Wolf Pack: Aye, a thousand pardons me liege. Please, not the whip.

 Lone Wolf: Mentioning the whip is an extra whipping! You know thus! Daniel, bring me my whip.

 Daniel: Crist! Get off the stage before the freakshow undoes all my hard work fixing your image.

 Lone Wolf: You here that, freakshow, you’ve ruined things again.

 Wolf Back: Many sorrows, master. If it pleases-

 Lone Wolf: It will please me to flog you properly back stage. Now let us take our leave of this horrible show.

 Michael: Thanks for coming, I guess. Another great interview. Japan, why don’t you follow. Maybe he’ll grace you with an autograph if you behave yourselves.

Cut to another commercial already.

 Cheesy Announcer: I’m per-approved for three millions dollars, no questions asked! Welcome back to the The Black Snow Comics Super Fun Time Variety Hour!

 Michael: Yes, we’re indeed back. And you’ve chosen to stick around. Let’s keep this train wreck moving on. Welcome our next guest, the most overrated and ego inflated man in the history of comics, perhaps the history of the world, the money grubbing credit stealing monster who hid his Jewish heritage by changing his name to Stan Lee!

 Stan Lee: No need for such flattering, young man. Ha ha.

 Michael: Don’t you try your slimy charm on me, old man. You may have the rest of the world fooled, but I see you for the disgusting piece of shit you really are.

 Stan Lee: Ha! Well don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel. You’ve got me there. I’m just a simple old man who loves to entertain, son. Nothing special.

 Michael: I know all about your little self deprecating deflection, Stan. “I’m just a silly old man! Chuckle. Pretend to agree with whatever legitimate complaint that was just said while simultaneously denying it.” Wash, rinse, repeat. That about it, Lieber?

 Stan Lee: Once again, you’ve got me dead to rights. You are good, son. No wonder your comics are selling so well.

 Michael: You just did it again, you old fuck! Stop placating to the masses and say something genuine for once! We don’t want to hear how you didn’t make any money, didn’t have any control, and didn’t take credit for others’ work. It’s all lies, goddamn it! You are not a nice old man! You’re a greedy asshole!

 Stan Lee: Listen here, you little piece of shit. You don’t know jack shit about anything. I buy and sell little nobodies like you twenty times every day. I could own your shitty little comics within the minute, stamp “Stan Lee presents” on the cover and make millions.

Hell, I could add one of my stupid little science fiction ideas to it, say make Black Snow have ice powers due to exposure to freezing temperatures in a radioactive experiment, and the dumb-ass fans would actually praise it.

You are well out of your league here boy.

 Michael: You’re probably right there, but luckily my next two guests are in a class above you, and I think they’ll have something to say about all this. Please welcome crotchety old shut-in, and all around weird dude Steve Ditko! And back from the dead for one night only, the late great Jack Kirby! The two real talents behind Marvel and so many of your favorite comic book characters. Come on down!

 Steve Ditko: You son of a bitch! You tried to take credit for Spider-man, then fucked up my debut cover. Now you go around saying you have nothing to do with Marvel and how you didn’t get any money, yet you are the executive producer on every Marvel movie and get a fucking cameo in each one. No one gave a shit about your terrible writing, they all cared about the art.

 Zombie Jack Kirby: You take all credit. Me draw good. Nerds buy me monsters and heroes. No one care about stupid stories.

 Stan Lee: Guys, guys. Come on. That was fifty years ago. Let’s not dwell on the past.

 Zombie Jack Kirby: Me die poor. Family no have money for eat. You have own plane. Fly to you many houses.

 Steve Ditko: Fuck you, Stan. Marvel’s little mascot. You didn’t do shit, yet they made you the poster boy. And don’t tell me you didn’t happily take all the credit. I was there, I saw it.

 Stan Lee: This is all ancient history. It wasn’t my fault. You know I was never the brains behind any of this. I was just following orders.

 Steve Ditko: Just like the fucking Nazis.

 Zombie Jack Kirby: Enough talk. No statute of limitations for you crimes. Time for zombie justice!

 Steve Ditko: Let’s rip this fucker apart!!!

 Stan Lee: Wait, you know I’m a zombie too! Please have mercy! Excelsior-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Michael: Take your personal business to the back, fellas. Oh, and rot in hell, Stan. Time for our final commercial break. Play us out, NOFX.

 Michael: Because I’m contractually obliged to play two songs from every musical guest, let’s hear another one from the always disturbing Richard Cheese!

 Michael: Yes, quite disturbing. Crawl back to whatever hole you came out of, Dick. Well, that’s the show. My apologies…for everything. Until next time dear viewers.

 Regrets, I’ve had a lot, then again too many to mention…

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