If Black Snow were ever to make it to the fairly mean streets of Baltimore, he’d probably hang out a lot in a neighborhood called Hampden. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind going wherever the booze was flowing, but Hampden seems a strange little world suited just perfectly for him and what I assume are his slightly racist views. Hampden is a weird social experiment (actually not weird, actually not a social experiment) that pits boutique shopping chic wine buying white folks against blue collared union type whites. The streets are a confusing mix of hipsters and feral shameless children. And there are a lot of bars. Our boy Mr. Black Snow would no doubt prefer a real shithole like Griffiths (I’ve only been once, but it was like walking into a non-interesting version of the Twin Peaks Black Lodge) than the more fashionable establishments on the Avenue proper, but he’d certainly have options.
That’s my lede into my first report from Baltimore. The team split up, both coasts are now represented, and I am the lucky guy who gets to live with thunderstorms during 90 degree weather and figuring out how to suss out the invisible line between gritty and dangerous. Baltimore (or Bawlmer, as the local hons call it) is a really weird town, man. I mean that in the best possible way. I mean it in the best possible way because I haven’t gotten mugged yet. Our neighborhood is super nice and yet I continually run into people who tell me it is dangerous and at least two people who have been robbed on my street. That is just crazy to me, as it seems like an idyllic paradise (hyperbole to the max!) awash with art students and young professionals. I mean they are filming goddamn Kevin Spacey ass House of Cards outside my regular non-card house. My neighborhood is called Bolton Hill and a few years ago a dude drove by with a machine gun and blew away a bunch of people on their stoop. Like I said, it doesn’t seem like a place where that would happen, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t, I guess!
I came here for a girl. It was worth it but I am poor, and this comic business thing is just insanely non lucrative! Did you hear that fucking asshole Zach Braff had his INSANELY TRITE movie idea fully funded by regular people like you and I? Even though he literally knows millionaires, is literally a millionaire? The idea of Kickstarter is brilliant, but when co-opted by clowns like Braff, it really deflates the purpose of living. Our own Kickstarter is probably going down in flames soon and why? Because we didn’t direct Garden State? We should have been funded just for that! In any case, no sour grapes, the beauty of the internet is that you can basically reinvent yourself over and over again, and that includes our epic and somewhat dastardly plan to DO ANOTHER KICKSTARTER. Maybe not today, and DEFINITELY not tomorrow, but it’ll happen. Maybe after Two Drink Minimum is done we’ll come at it again and this time we’ll bring the thunder. Don’t know what that means, but it sounds like it’ll work. Furthermore, Zach Braff is an asshole for wanting to make some movie about home schooling his kid and living out the adventures of a SPACE KNIGHT in his imagination. This man is a menace, a demon. Throw him out. Scrubs was funny sometimes.
Anyway, I went to the dentist today. That was depressing. Probably a lot of I’M FAMOUS dentist related jokes in your near future.
I’m Adam Carolla, and mahalo!