I Ain’t Soft

Life is Hard, And so am I, You better give me something, So I don’t die, Novocaine for the soul, Before I sputter out – Regis Philbin

I wanted to address what I wrote yesterday. Some of you may have read that and barfed, thinking “this dude has lost his edge.” I will argue that I have not. As Alex correctly pointed out to me, part of me being happy is me being meaner in some ways. It makes me happy to be quick-witted, churning out unsolicited glib/snide comments. Cynicism is still my copilot.

How could I be soft, I’m from the mean streets of San Jose! (For the majority of you that know nothing about San Jose, that is a joke. It can be quite easy to grow up soft here depending on your area and upbringing) Speaking of, my upbringing was not too bad. Nice neighborhood, good schools (except Willow Glen Middle School, that place is a hellhole), good friends, and I never went hungry. Some would call it a blessed life, especially when it came to academics and how easy they’ve always been for me.

Wait, I thought I wasn’t soft? Oh yeah, my life also contained a terrible divorce between my parents that almost entirely ended my relationship with my mom, alcoholics and drug users always being around in some capacity, a lot of fighting (physically) in school, enemies, and some rough times that required me to deal with bad areas and bad people. My time at Berkeley had me surrounded by insane bums and crime 24-7!

So no, I’ve not lived the hardest life, but certainly not the easiest either. Of course what I just told you was a very limited recap of what I chose to share, and there is much more to my life.

My main point, if I had one at all, is that I could see how someone could read what I wrote yesterday and misconstrue things. I’m no doey-eyed naive optimist, and I ain’t here to preach. I could have taken a lot of what I was happy about yesterday and turned it into negatives. But I won’t.

Why? How? Because I’ve become more positive. Because my new prescription drugs? Maybe. Because I’m exercising more and focusing on self improvement? Could be. Because I’ve been recently seeking life advice from several sources and trying to apply it to my life? A possibility. Because I suddenly had a revelation that changed me whole perspective? A bit of a stretch, but possible as well. Because I got sick of being unhappy and wanted a change? Probably part of it.

The real answer? I don’t know. Maybe all of it. All I know is I’ve spent a long time being really negative, and it wasn’t getting me anywhere or making me happy. Can I tell you how to do the same? Nope, don’t even know how I got here, just damn glad I did. Like I said, I’m not here to preach, and I never will be. I’m just addressing some recent changes in my own life.

So please don’t mistake any of this for some new bible thumping blind zealot happiness. I’m still very mush a cynical realist, and that will always come through in my humor. I’m just not miserable and negative like I think I used to be.