This is your Cheesy Announcer telling you to hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cuz they’re rapin everybody out here! Get me some bath salts because I’m feeling peckish. Welcome to The Black Snow Comics Super Fun Time Variety Hour!!!
And here to play us in is our wonderful house band, NOFX.
But really, can’t wait to see it, Mark.
I’ve been told you have something you’d like to say to the millions of viewers watching around the world?
I understand our next guest is the entire country of Japan. Oops, looks like I should have had Mark stay a bit longer. Anyone here speak Japanese?! Alex, what grade did you get in high school? Cut to commercial.
Lone Wolf: Good day all you filthy people of the dirt! It is your pleasure to have me, naturally. Judging by that most foul odor I’d wager many of you made the trip out from Detroit tonight. A virtual see of chocolate out there.
Michael: Uh…Mr. Wolf, let’s try to tone back the racism until after the show. Now Lone, I’ve known you a long time, may I call you Lone?
Lone Wolf: Absolutely not! They call me Mr. Tibbs! Or Mellow Yellow if you prefer.
Michael: I’ll just go with Mr. Wolf. Do you have anything to say to Japan, the country that has been host to all your latest antics?
Lone Wolf: Oh my, what is that amazing toy you have made there?
Michael: How did I think you were going to help the situation? Well, you’re here promoting your latest book, or movie or something. Is that right?
Lone Wolf: I’ll leave the shilling of wares to the whores of the world, thank you very much. I need not promote mine-self, dearest boy, I’m Famous! Wolf Pack! I require a fresh bottle of water! This one has gone luke!
Wolf Pack: Aye, a thousand pardons me liege. Please, not the whip.
Lone Wolf: Mentioning the whip is an extra whipping! You know thus! Daniel, bring me my whip.
Daniel: Crist! Get off the stage before the freakshow undoes all my hard work fixing your image.
Lone Wolf: You here that, freakshow, you’ve ruined things again.
Wolf Back: Many sorrows, master. If it pleases-
Lone Wolf: It will please me to flog you properly back stage. Now let us take our leave of this horrible show.
Michael: Thanks for coming, I guess. Another great interview. Japan, why don’t you follow. Maybe he’ll grace you with an autograph if you behave yourselves.
Cut to another commercial already.
Michael: Yes, we’re indeed back. And you’ve chosen to stick around. Let’s keep this train wreck moving on. Welcome our next guest, the most overrated and ego inflated man in the history of comics, perhaps the history of the world, the money grubbing credit stealing monster who hid his Jewish heritage by changing his name to Stan Lee!
Stan Lee: No need for such flattering, young man. Ha ha.
Michael: Don’t you try your slimy charm on me, old man. You may have the rest of the world fooled, but I see you for the disgusting piece of shit you really are.
Stan Lee: Ha! Well don’t hold back, tell me how you really feel. You’ve got me there. I’m just a simple old man who loves to entertain, son. Nothing special.
Michael: I know all about your little self deprecating deflection, Stan. “I’m just a silly old man! Chuckle. Pretend to agree with whatever legitimate complaint that was just said while simultaneously denying it.” Wash, rinse, repeat. That about it, Lieber?
Stan Lee: Once again, you’ve got me dead to rights. You are good, son. No wonder your comics are selling so well.
Michael: You just did it again, you old fuck! Stop placating to the masses and say something genuine for once! We don’t want to hear how you didn’t make any money, didn’t have any control, and didn’t take credit for others’ work. It’s all lies, goddamn it! You are not a nice old man! You’re a greedy asshole!
Stan Lee: Listen here, you little piece of shit. You don’t know jack shit about anything. I buy and sell little nobodies like you twenty times every day. I could own your shitty little comics within the minute, stamp “Stan Lee presents” on the cover and make millions.
Hell, I could add one of my stupid little science fiction ideas to it, say make Black Snow have ice powers due to exposure to freezing temperatures in a radioactive experiment, and the dumb-ass fans would actually praise it.
You are well out of your league here boy.
Michael: You’re probably right there, but luckily my next two guests are in a class above you, and I think they’ll have something to say about all this. Please welcome crotchety old shut-in, and all around weird dude Steve Ditko! And back from the dead for one night only, the late great Jack Kirby! The two real talents behind Marvel and so many of your favorite comic book characters. Come on down!
Zombie Jack Kirby: You take all credit. Me draw good. Nerds buy me monsters and heroes. No one care about stupid stories.
Stan Lee: Guys, guys. Come on. That was fifty years ago. Let’s not dwell on the past.
Zombie Jack Kirby: Me die poor. Family no have money for eat. You have own plane. Fly to you many houses.
Steve Ditko: Fuck you, Stan. Marvel’s little mascot. You didn’t do shit, yet they made you the poster boy. And don’t tell me you didn’t happily take all the credit. I was there, I saw it.
Stan Lee: This is all ancient history. It wasn’t my fault. You know I was never the brains behind any of this. I was just following orders.
Steve Ditko: Just like the fucking Nazis.
Zombie Jack Kirby: Enough talk. No statute of limitations for you crimes. Time for zombie justice!
Steve Ditko: Let’s rip this fucker apart!!!
Stan Lee: Wait, you know I’m a zombie too! Please have mercy! Excelsior-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael: Take your personal business to the back, fellas. Oh, and rot in hell, Stan. Time for our final commercial break. Play us out, NOFX.